The Crucible
by Robyn the Snowshoe Hare
Summary: When Robyn TSH gets into the mood to put on another play, everyone must don pilgrim clothing and get on stage in what quickly turns into a general free-for-all.....
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Joss owns Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Co., and Arthur Miller owns the rights to the theatrical production of The Crucible.   
Author's Notes: John Proctor, Elizabeth Proctor, Reverend Hale and all of the other characters mentioned were real people. During the Salem Witch Trials, they were the victims of hysteria, paranoia, and greed. The victims of this reprehensible chapter in American history are remembered at the Salem Memorial, in Salem, Massachusetts.   
  
  
*******  
  
  
in the Sunnydale auditoreum, characters mill around restlessly. Above the general murmer, outraged cries can be heard.   
  
Buffy: Another play? What does this girl think this is, the Sunnydale Acting Troupe?   
  
Faith: Which one is it this time?"   
  
Xander: It had better not be another Shakespearian. My tights are giving me a rash.   
  
Cordelia: But you look so cute in them, Xander. You have the legs for tights.   
  
Xander: Shut up, Cormia.   
  
Cordelia: Don't push it, Lyxander.   
  
Oz: Whoa, break it up, you two, the Bunnygirl is about to call characters.   
  
Willow: Gee, I can barely contain my joy.   
  
Angel: I thought you were enjoying all of this, Willow.   
  
Willow: Getting up in front of people dressed in a stupid outfit and reciting Shakespeare? Sorry, I'll pass any day. Did anyone find out what play we're doing?   
  
Giles: I saw her going through a copy of 'Julius Caesar'.   
  
Xander: Great. Togas. Throw in some rectal surgery and it's my best day ever.   
  
Ford: Shhh! She's about to start!   
  
Robyn TSH walks up to the podium to half-hearted applause.   
  
Robyn TSH: Good news, everyone! I've decided to do a new crossover play.   
  
Spike: WHAT? We're not even three scenes into that other project of yours, you wanker!   
  
Robyn TSH: Shut up, or I'll write a romance between you and Snyder!   
  
Spike huddles down into his seat at the threat   
  
Robyn TSH: clearing throat That's better. Now, the play will be, "The Crucible".   
  
shocked silence, broken by a lone voice   
  
Amy: sarcastically Gee, I wonder what part I'll get.   
  
ignoring Amy, Robyn starts to read off parts.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of Reverend Parris will be played by....Wesley Winden-Price.   
  
Giles: muttering Figures.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of his daugher, Betty Parris, will be played by the Annointed One.   
  
Colin: WHAT? I'm a boy, for crying out loud! Spike snickers   
  
Robyn TSH: The Jamaican servent, Tituba, will be played by Kendra.   
  
Kendra: Can't you just let me DIE already?!   
  
Robyn TSH: No. The part of Abigail Williams will be played by Faith.   
  
Faith: Screw this. I'm out of here.   
  
Faith starts to walk towards the door.   
  
Robyn TSH: Faith, if you walk out of that door, you will be starring in my next fic. It involves you, a Kareoke bar, and the song stylings of Gilbert and Sullivan.   
  
Shuddering, Faith returns to her seat.   
  
Robyn TSH: And that goes for anyone else who isn't a team player.   
  
entire audience shudders in horror   
  
Robyn TSH: That's better. The part of Susanna Walcott will be played by Gwendolyn Post.   
  
Gwendolyn Post: What am I doing in this? I was in one episode, for crying out loud! I showed up, fooled everyone, used a magic mitten, and died!   
  
Robyn TSH: I needed nasty people for Faith's group. You fit the bill. Moving on, the part of Thomas Putnam will be played by Spike.   
  
Spike: BLOODY HELL!   
  
Buffy: Feel better, now?   
  
Spike: Yes, actually I do.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of his wife, Ann Putnam, will be played by Drusilla.   
  
Xander: You know, just the idea of Spike and Dru in Puritan times as a married couple...   
  
Oz: Disturbing?   
  
Xander: On so many levels.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of Mercy Lewis will be played by Harmony.   
  
Faith: to Harmony Welcome to the posse.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of Mary Warren will be played by Willow.   
  
Willow: Okay, I think I liked my part in the other play better.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of John Proctor will be played by Angel.   
  
Angel: WHAT!!   
  
Giles: Oh, my.   
  
Xander: Hah! So you had an affair with Faith!   
  
Buffy: What? slaps Angel   
  
Angel: It's not true! It's just a play! I've been falsely accused!   
  
Buffy gives him an icy look. Angel glares at Robyn, who continues on cheerfully   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of Rebecca Nurse will be played by Cordelia.   
  
Cordelia: Good God.   
  
Xander: tauntingly Someone's in their nine-ties, someone's in their nine-ties.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of Giles Corey will be played by Giles.   
  
Buffy: Big surprise there.   
  
Giles: I'm shocked. Really.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of Reverend John Hale will be played by Xander.   
  
Xander: That's not so bad.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of Elizabeth Proctor, John Proctor's wife, will be played by...   
  
Buffy: to Angel It had better be me. That's all I'm saying.   
  
Robyn TSH: ....by Buffy.   
  
Angel: phew !   
  
Buffy: You cheated on me with Faith? Pig! slaps Angel again   
  
Angel: I just can't win, can I?   
  
Xander: You and Bob Dole.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of Francis Nurse will be played by Kevin.   
  
long silence. crickets chirping   
  
All: Who?   
  
Robyn TSH: That guy that Cordelia was going out with in Prophesy Girl. You know, the one who was killed in the AV room?   
  
All: Oh.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of Ezekial Cheever will be played by Oz.   
  
Oz: Drat, I was hoping she had forgotten about me.   
  
Robyn TSH: The part of Marshall Herrick will be played by Scott Hope.   
  
Angel: Scott's in this? The guy Buffy went out with?   
  
Buffy: Calm down, honey.   
  
Robyn TSH: Judge Hathorne will be played by Owen.   
  
Angel: OWEN'S in this, too?   
  
Xander: Down, boy, down.   
  
Robyn TSH: Deputy Governer Danforth will be played by Principal Snyder.   
  
Spike: Makes sense. The biggest SOB in the town playing the biggest SOB in the play.   
  
Robyn TSH: Sarah Good, an accused witch, will be played by Amy Madison.   
  
Amy: I knew it! I knew I'd be stuck in a witch role!   
  
Robyn TSH: And, finally, the part of Hopkins will be played by Ethan Rayne.   
  
Ethan: What am I doing in this?   
  
Robyn TSH: I like you.   
  
Ethan: Damn.   
  
everyone filters out to get into costume.   
  



	2. Act One

A small upper bedroom in the home of Reverend Wesley Price, Sunnydale, Massachusetts, in the spring of the year 1692. As the curtain rises, REVEREND PRICE is discovered kneeling beside the bed, evidently in prayer. His daughter, er, son, COLIN PRICE, aged ten, is lying on the bed, inert.  
  
REVEREND PRICE is praying now, and, though we cannot hear his words, a sense of his confusion hangs about him. He mumbles, then seems about to weep; then he weeps, then prays again; but his son does not stir on the bed.  
  
The door opens, and his slave enters. KITUBA is in her forties. The illusion is aided by half a canister of silver hair spray that has been liberally applied to her formerly dark mane.   
  
Kituba: already taking a step backwards My Colin be hearty soon?  
  
Price: Out of here!  
  
Kituba: backing to the door My Colin not goin' die....  
  
Price: scrambling to his feet in a fury Out of my sight! Kituba flees the room Out of my... he is overcome with sobs Oh, my God! God help me!   
  
(meanwhile, offstage...)  
  
Giles: listening to Wesley Overacting pillock.  
  
Kendra: straightening skirt I feel so used...  
  
(back onstage..)  
  
Price: gently taking Colin's hand Colin. Child. Dear child. Will you wake, will you open up your eyes? Colin...little one...  
  
he trails off, and seems to be waiting for something. Out in the audience, someone coughs.   
  
Price: louder, trying to make his voice carry backstage LITTLE ONE!!  
  
muttered curses can be heard from offstage, and FAITH WILLIAMS runs onto the stage, still tying her bonnet.   
  
Faith: Uncle? Susanna Post is here from Doctor Eps.  
  
Price: Oh? Let her come, let her come.  
  
Faith: calling offstage Come in, Susanna.  
  
SUSANNA POST enters, keeping her right arm (still enclosed in the Glove of Minnegon) out of sight.   
  
Price: eagerly What does the doctor say, child?  
  
muffled guffaws from the crowd, resulting from the fact that the woman playing SUSANNA POST is clearly older than the guy playing REVEREND PRICE   
  
Susanna: trying to get a good look at Colin He bid me come and tell you, reverend sir, that he cannot discover any medicine for it in his books. Of course, this is an American library, so- her impending tirade is cut off by a swift elbow in the ribs, delivered by FAITH   
  
Price: Then he must search on.  
  
Susanna: Aye, sir, he have been searchin' his books since he left you, sir. But he bid me tell you, that you might look to unnatural things for the cause of it.  
  
Price: his eyes going wide No, no. There be no unnatural cause here. Tell him I have sent for Reverend Harris of Beverly, and Mr. Harris will surely confirm that. Let him look to medicine and put out all thought of unnatural causes here. There be none.  
  
Susanna: Aye, sir. He bid me tell you. she turns to go   
  
Faith: Speak nothin' of it in the village, Susanna.  
  
Price: Go directly home and speak nothing of unnatural causes.  
  
Susanna: Aye, sir. I pray for him. exits   
  
Faith: Uncle, the rumor of witchcraft is all about; I think you'd best go down and deny it yourself. The parlor's packed with people. I'll sit with him.  
  
Price: And what shall I say to them? That my son and my niece I discovered dancing like heathen in the forest?  
  
Faith: Uncle, we did dance; let you tell them I confessed it - and I'll be whipped if I must be. But they're speakin' of witchcraft. Colin's not witched.  
  
Price: Faith, I cannot go before the congregation when I know you have not opened with me. What did you do with him in the forest?  
  
Faith: We did dance, uncle, and when you leaped out of the bush so suddenly, Colin was frightened and then he fainted. And there's the whole of it.  
  
Price: Child. Sit you down.  
  
Faith: I would never hurt Colin. I love him dearly.   
  
from offstage the sound of muffled laughter can be heard. Unobtrusely, FAITH picks up a cup from the nightstand and flings it offstage. A loud *OUCH* is heard, and then silence.   
  
Price: ignoring the murmers from the audience Now look you, child, your punishment will come in its time. But if you trafficked with spirits in the forest I must know it now, for surely my enemies will, and they will ruin me with it.  
  
(meanwhile, offstage...)  
  
Buffy: If we call up the Council and tell them that Wesley has been trafficking with spirits, do you think they'll replace him?  
  
Giles: It's worth a shot. Xander, get a phone.   
  
Xander: With pleasure.  
  
(back onstage...)  
  
Faith: But we never conjured spirits!  
  
Price: Then why can he not move himself since midnight? This child is desperate! It must come out - my enemies will bring it out. Let me know what you did out there. Faith, do you understand that I have many enemies?  
  
Faith: I have heard of it, uncle.  
  
Price: There is a faction that is sworn to drive me from my pulpit. Do you understand that?  
  
Faith: I think so, sir.  
  
(backstage..)  
  
Buffy: with Giles, Willow, Xander, Oz, and Angel gathered around Hello, is this the Council? I have some very disturbing news about one of your Watchers...  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Price: Now, in the midst of such disruption, my own household is discovered to be the very center of some obscene practice. Abominations are done in the forest-  
  
Faith: It were only sport, uncle!  
  
Price: pointing at Colin You call this sport? pleadingly Faith, if you know something that may help the doctor, for God's sake tell it to me. she is silent I saw Kituba waving her arms over the fire when I came on you. Why was she doing that? And I heard a screeching and gibberish coming from her mouth.   
  
Faith: She always sings her Barbados songs, and we dance.  
  
Price: I cannot blink what I saw, Faith, for my enemies will not blink it. I saw a dress lying in the grass.  
  
Faith: innocently A dress?  
  
Price: it is very hard to say Aye, a dress. And I thought I saw - someone naked running through the trees!  
  
several loud wolf-whistles come from offstage. PRICE blushes and FAITH glares.   
  
Faith: No one was naked! You mistake yourself, uncle!  
  
Price: with anger I saw it! Now tell me true, Faith. And I pray you feel the weight of truth upon you, for now my ministry's at stake, my ministry and perhaps your cousin's life.  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Spike: Notice he put his ministry before the life of his son.  
  
Willow: Nice to know he has his priorities straight.  
  
(onstage..)  
  
Price: continued Whatever abomination you have done, give me all of it now, for I dare not be taken unaware when I go before them down there.  
  
Faith: There is nothin' more. I swear it, uncle.   
  
Price: studies her, then nods, half convinced Faith, I have fought here three long years to bend these stiff-necked people to me, and now, just now when some good respect is rising for me in the parish, you compromise my very character. I have given you a home, child, I have put clothes on your bak, now give me an upright answer. Your name in the town, it is entirely white, is it not?  
  
(hysterical laughter echos from backstage)  
  
Faith: ignoring laughter Why, I am sure it is, sir. There be no blush about my name.  
  
(laughter increases)  
  
Price: attempting to ignore laughter Faith, is there any other casue than you have told me for your being discharged from Goody Proctor's service? I have heard it said, and I tell you as I heard it, that she comes so rarely to the church this year because she will not sit so close to something soiled. What signified that remark?  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Buffy: muttering I can think of a few good reasons...  
  
Willow: SHH!  
  
(onstage)  
  
Faith: She hates me, uncle, she must, for I would not be her slave. It's a bitter woman, a lying, cold, sniveling woman, and I will not work for such a woman. in a temper My name is good in the village! I will not have it said my name is soiled! Goody Proctor is a gossiping liar!  
  
enter MRS. DRUSILLA PUTNAM. She is a twisted soul of forty-five (well, a *hundred* and forty-five), a death-ridden woman, haunted by dreams.   
  
Price: as soon as the door begins to open No, no, I cannot have anyone. he sees her, and a certain deference springs into him, although his worry remains. Why, Goody Putnam, come in.  
  
Drusilla: full of breath, shiny eyed It is a marvel. It is surely a stroke of hell upon you.  
  
Price: No, Goody Putnam, it is-  
  
Drusilla: glancing at Colin How high did he fly, how high?  
  
Price: No, no, he never flew-  
  
Drusilla: a distracted look coming over her I see butterflies with blood-red wings...oooh, so many butterflies...and daisies...  
  
(backstage)  
  
Cordelia: Is that in the script?  
  
Spike: No, that's just Dru..er..improvising. I'd better go on now.  
  
(onstage)  
  
Price: at a loss Er.....  
  
Enter SPIKE PUTNAM, a well-to-do, drop-dead-sexy (whoops), hard-handed landowner,   
  
Price: Oh, good morning, Mr. Putnam!  
  
Spike: It is a providence the thing is out now! It is a providence! goes to the bed   
  
Price: What's out, sir, what's-?  
  
DRUSILLA PUTNAM goes to the bed   
  
Spike: looking down at Colin Why, *his* eyes is closed! Look you, Dru.  
  
Drusilla: Why, that's strange. to Price Ours is open.  
  
Price: shocked Your Edith is sick?  
  
Drusilla: with vicious certainty I'd not call it sick; the Devil's touch is heavier than sick. It's death, y'know, it's death driving into them, horked and foofed.   
  
Spike: clears throat loudly   
  
Drusilla: blushes Oh, sorry. *Forked* and *hoofed*. I meant. Death is driving into them *forked* and *hoofed*.  
  
muffled laughter from the audience   
  
Price: Oh, pray not! Why, how does Edith ail?  
  
Drusilla: She ails as she must - she never waked this morning, but her eyes open and she walks, and hears naught, sees naught, and cannot eat. Her soul is taken, surely.  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Xander: Nah, if her soul had been taken she would've been killing computer teachers, right Angel?  
  
Angel: adjusting his pilgrim hat Shut up, Xander.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Spike: They say you've sent for Reverend Harris of Beverly?  
  
Price: A precaution only. He has much experiance in all demonic arts, and I-  
  
Drusilla: He has indeed; and found a witch in Beverly last year, and let you remember that.  
  
Price: Now, Goody Dru, they only thought that were a witch, and I am certain that there be no element of witchcraft here.  
  
Spike: No witchcraft! Now look you, Mr. Price-  
  
Price: Spike, Spike, I pray you, leap not to witchcraft. I know that you - you least of all, Spike, would ever wish so disastrous a charge laid upon me. We cannot leap to witchcraft. They will howl me out of Sunnydale for such corruption in my house.  
  
Spike: Mr. Price, I have taken your part in all contention here, and I would continue; but I cannot if you hold back in this. There are hurtful, vengeful spirits layin' hands on these children.  
  
Price: But, Spike, you cannot-  
  
Spike: Dru! Tell Mr. Price what you have done.   
  
Drusilla: faraway look on her face I plant daisies every year..but they always wither and die....  
  
Spike and Price: Er...  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Scott: I don't think that woman is quite stable...or she's just taking some *huge* liberties with the script.  
  
Ethan: A little of both, actually.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Spike: coughing slightly Um, no, pet. The *OTHER* thing you did...  
  
Drusilla: Hmm? Oh! Sorry. clears throat Reverend Price, I have laid seven babies unbaptized in the earth. Believe me, sir, you never saw more hearty babies born. And yet, each would wither in my arms the very night of their birth. I have spoke nothin', but my heart has clamored intimations. And now, this year, my Edith, my only - I see her turning strange. A secret child she has become this year, and shrivels like a sucking mouth were pullin' on her life. And so I thought to send her to your Kituba-  
  
Price: To Kituba! What may Kituba-?  
  
Drusilla: Kituba knows how to speak with the dead, Mr. Price.  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Kendra: I guess I'm just talented.  
  
(onstage....)  
  
Price: Goody Dru, it is a formidable sin to conjure up the dead!  
  
Drusilla: I take it on my soul, but who else may surely tell us what person murdered my babies?  
  
Price: horrified Woman!  
  
Drusilla: They were murdered, Mr. Price! And mark this proof! Mark it! Last night my Edith were ever so close to their little spirits; I know it, sir. For how else is she struck dumb now except some power of darkness would stop her mouth? It is a marvelous sign, Mr. Price!  
  
Spike: Don't you understand it, sir? There is a murdering witch among us, bound to keep herself in the dark.  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Amy: With such a line of reasoning, how could anyone doubt it?  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Price: to Faith Then you were conjuring spirits last night!  
  
Faith: Not I, sir, Kituba and Edith.  
  
Price: Now I am undone.  
  
Spike: You are not undone! Let you take hold here. Wait for no one to charge you - declare it yourself. You have *discovered* witchcraft-  
  
Price: In my *house*? In my very *house*, Spike? They will topple me with this! They will make of it a-  
  
enter HARMONY LEWIS, the Putnams' servant, a sly, sheeplike girl of eighteen.   
  
Harmony: Your pardons, I only thought to see how Colin is.  
  
Spike: Why aren't you home? Who's with Edith?  
  
Harmony: Her grandma come. She's improved a little, I think - she give a powerful sneeze before.  
  
Drusilla: Ah, there's a sign of life!  
  
Harmony: I'd fear no more, Goody Putnam. It were a grand sneeze; another like it will shake her wits together, I'm sure.   
  
Price: Will you leave me now, Spike? I would pray a while alone.  
  
Faith: Uncle, you've prayed since midnight. Why do you not go down and-  
  
Price: No - no. to Spike I have no answer for that crowd. I'll wait till Mr. Harris arrives. to get Drusilla to leave If you will, Goody Dru...  
  
Spike: Now look you, sir. Let you strike out against the Devil, and the village will bless you for it! Come down, speak to them - pray with them. THey're thirsting for your word, Mister! Surely you'll pray with them.  
  
Price: swayed I'll lead them in a psalm, but let you say nothing of witchcraft yet. I will not discuss it. THe cause is yet unknown. I have had enough contention since I came; I want no more.  
  
Drusilla: Harmony, you go home to Edith, d'y'hear?  
  
Harmony: Aye, mum.  
  
DRUSILLA PUTNAM leaves   
  
Price: to Faith If he starts for the window, cry for me at once.  
  
Faith: I will, uncle.  
  
Price: to Spike There is a terrible power in his arms today.   
  
both men exit   
  
(offstage...)   
  
Spike: to Wesley Could you have overacted any more?  
  
Wesley: pulling out cross Back, demon!   
  
Spike: rolling his eyes Whatever.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: with hushed trepidation How is Edith sick?  
  
Harmony: It's weird, I know not - she seems to walk like a dead one since last night.  
  
Faith: turns at once and goes to Colin, and now, with fear in her voice, Colin? he doesn't move. She shakes him. Now stop this! Colin? Sit up now!  
  
Colin doesn't stir. Harmony comes over.   
  
Harmony: Have you tried beatin' him? I gave Edith a good one and it waked her for a minute. Here, let me have him.  
  
(backstage....)  
  
Buffy: You know, something tells me that we are not dealing with two very competent child-care professionals.  
  
Willow: Yeah, just call it a hunch.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: holding Harmony back No, my uncle will be comin' up. Listen now; if they be questioning us, tell them we danced - I told him that much already.  
  
(backstage....)  
  
Xander: Everyone now! One, two, three, Macarena, four, five, six, Macarena-  
  
Spike: Does anyone mind if I kill him?  
  
Angel: Actually, I'd regard it as a personal favor.  
  
Xander: HEY!  
  
(onstage....)  
  
Harmony: Aye. And what more?  
  
Faith: He knows Kituba conjured Edith's sisters to come out of the grave.  
  
Harmony: And what more?  
  
Faith: He saw you naked.   
  
(backstage..)  
  
Spike: Good for you!  
  
Wesley blushes as the male cast members whistle and slap him on the back.   
  
(onstage...)  
  
Harmony: clapping her hands together with a frightened laugh Oh, Jesus!  
  
Enter WILLOW WARREN, breathless. She is seventeen, a subservient, naive, lonely girl.   
  
Willow: What'll we do? The whole village is out! I just come from the farm; the whole country's talkin' witchcraft! They'll be callin' us witches, Faith!  
  
Harmony: pointing and looking at Willow She means to tell, I know it.  
  
Willow: Faith, we've got to tell. Witchery's a hangin' error, a hangin' like they done in Boston two year ago! We must tell the truth, Faith! You'll only be whipped for dancin', and the other things!  
  
Faith: Oh, *we'll* be whipped!  
  
Willow: I never done none of it, Faith. I only looked!  
  
Harmony: moving menacingly toward Willow Oh, you're a great one for lookin', aren't you, Willow Warren? What a grand peeping courage you have!  
  
Colin, on the bed, whimpers. Faith turns to him at once.   
  
Faith: Colin? she goes to him Now, Colin, dear, wake up now. It's Faith. she sits Colin up and furiously shakes him I'll beat you, Colin! Colin whimpers My, you seem improving. I talked to your papa and I told him everything. So there's nothing to-  
  
Colin: darts off the bed, frightened of Faith, and flattens himself against the wall I want the Master!  
  
(backstage...)  
  
All: THE MASTER???  
  
Wesley: Clearly another attempt from the Rabbitgirl to keep reminding us that this is a crossover. Pay it no mind.  
  
Spike: sarcastically Gee, what would we do without you?  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: with alarm, as she cautiously approaches Colin What ails you, Colin? The Master's dead, dusted, and smashed.  
  
Colin: I'll fly the Master. Let me fly! he raises his arms as though to fly, and streaks for the window, gets one leg out.   
  
Faith: pulling him away from the window I told him everything; he knows now, he knows everything we-  
  
Colin: You drank blood, Faith! You didn't tell him that!  
  
(backstage....)  
  
Cordelia: So? About half the people in this cast drink blood.   
  
Giles: I think the main difference is that those people are vampires.   
  
Spike: And since we're not exactly people, it works out pretty well.   
  
(onstage....)  
  
Faith: Colin, you never say that again! You will never-  
  
Colin: You did, you did! You drank a charm to kill Angel Proctor's wife! You drank a charm to kill Goody Proctor!  
  
Faith: strikes him across the face Shut it! Now shut it!  
  
Colin: collapsing on the bed Master, Master! he dissolves into sobs   
  
(backstage...)  
  
Xander: shaking his head Drinking blood...hitting her cousin...   
  
Buffy: Next thing you know, she'll be smoking.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: Now look you. All of you. We danced. And Kituba conjured Edith Putnam's dead sisters. And that is all. And mark this. Let either of you breathe a word, or the edge of a word, about the other things, and I will come to you in the black of some terrible night and I will bring a pointy reckoning that will shudder you. And you know I can do it; I saw Vampires smash my dear parents' heads on the pillow next to mine, and I have seen some reddish work done at night, and I can make you wish you had never seen the sun go down!  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Scott: Vampires?  
  
Cordelia: Pointy reckoning?  
  
Giles: A 'pointy reckoning' means a knife. She is threatening to kill anyone who confesses what they have done. And as for the vampires, I guess the Bunnygirl was just trying to keep this a crossover.  
  
Scott and Cordelia: Oh.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: goes to Colin and roughly sits him up Now, you - sit up and stop this!  
  
Colin collapses in her hands and lies inert on the bed   
  
Willow: with hysterical fright What's got to him? Faith, he's going to die! It's a sin to conjure, and we-  
  
(backstage....)  
  
Angel: Damn, I'm on soon.   
  
Xander: Fall on a stake.  
  
all look at him   
  
Xander: Instead of 'break a leg'. Clever, huh?  
  
Giles: Adjectives escape me.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: starting for Willow I say shut it, Willow Warren!  
  
Enter ANGEL PROCTOR. On seeing him, Willow Warren leaps in fright   
  
Willow: Oh! I'm just going home, Mr. Proctor.  
  
Angel: Be you foolish, Willow Warren? Be you deaf? I forbid you to leave the house, did I not? Why shall I pay you? I am looking for you more often than my cows!  
  
(left wing...)  
  
Spike and Xander: MOOO!! MOOOO!!!  
  
(onstage....)  
  
Willow: trying to ignore the mooing I only come to see the great doings in the world.  
  
Angel: I'll show you a great doin' on your arse one of these days. Now get you home; my wife is waitin' with your work!  
  
trying to retain a shred of dignity, she slinks slowly out. Once offstage, she puts an end to the mooing.   
  
Harmony: both afraid of him and strangely titullated I'd best be off. I have my Edith to watch. Good morning, Mr. Proctor.  
  
HARMONY sidles out. Since ANGEL's entrance, FAITH has stood as though on tiptoe, absorbing his presence, wide-eyed. He glances at her, then goes to Colin on the bed.   
  
Faith: Gah! I'd almost forgot how strong you are, Angel Proctor!  
  
Angel: looking at Faith now, the faintest suggestion of a knowing smile on his face What's this mischief here?  
  
Faith: with a nervous laugh Oh, he's only gone silly somehow.  
  
Angel: The road past my house is a pilgrimage to Sunnydale all morning. The town's mumbling witchcraft.  
  
Faith: Oh, posh! winningly she comes a little closer, with a confidential, wicked air We were dancin' in the woods last night, and my uncle leaped in on us. He took fright, is all.  
  
Angel: his smile widening Ah, you're wicked yet, aren't y'! a trill of expectant laughter escapes her, and she dares come closer, feverishly looking into his eyes You'll be clapped in the stocks before you're twenty.  
  
(backstage....)  
  
Buffy: I wish...  
  
(onstage....)  
  
he takes a step to go, and she springs into his path   
  
Faith: Give me a word, Angel. A soft word. her concentrated desire destroys his smile   
  
Angel: No, no, Faith. That's done with.  
  
(backstage....)  
  
Buffy: It damn well better be!  
  
Willow: Deep breaths, Buffy, deep breaths.  
  
Xander: You know, if you ever want to ditch that cheating vampire of yours, I'd be happy to-  
  
Cordelia: If you value your life, Xander, don't go any further.  
  
Xander: meekly Yes, ma'am.  
  
(onstage....)  
  
Faith: tauntingly You come five mile to see a silly boy fly? I know you better.  
  
Angel: setting her firmly out of his path I come to see what mischief your uncle's brewin' now. with final emphasis Put it out of mind, Faith.  
  
Faith: grasping his hand before he can release her Angel - I'm waitin' for you every night.  
  
Spike: yelling from offstage You'll be waiting a long time! You're dealing with all-talk-and-no-action-Angelus! a sudden crashing noise OW! Quit it, Buffy! Stop! Whoa, okay, I'll be good, no need for you to take out a stak- second crash, omnious silence   
  
Angel: trying to see what is happening offstage Faith, I never give you hope to wait for me.  
  
Faith: now beginning to anger - she can't believe it I have something better than hope, I think!  
  
loud noises echo from offstage   
  
Spike: from offstage OOOWWWWWWW!!!  
  
Buffy: Shit, I missed!  
  
Spike: My arm! You staked my bloody arm! Why you-  
  
more crashing before the two are forcibly seperated   
  
Angel: clearing his throat several times before speaking Faith, you'll put it out of mind. I'll not be comin' for you more.   
  
Faith: You're surely sportin' with me.  
  
Angel: You know me better.  
  
Faith: I know how you clutched my back behind your house and sweated like a stallion whenever I come near!  
  
(backstage...)  
  
All: WHOA!  
  
Ethan: Horse metaphors. How...romantic.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: continued Or did I dream that? It's she put me out, you cannot pretend it were you. I saw your face when she put me out, you loved me then and you love me now!  
  
Angel: Faith, that's a wild thing to say-  
  
Faith: A wild thing may say wild things. But not so wild, I think. I have seen you since she put me out; I have seen you nights.  
  
Angel: I have hardly stepped off my farm this sevenmonth.  
  
Faith: I have a sense for heat, Angel-  
  
a barage of wolf whistles echos from offstage   
  
Faith: clearly pissed, but continueing -and yours has drawn me to my window, and I have seen you looking up, burning in your lonliness. Do you tell me you've never looked up at my window?  
  
Angel: reluctantly, glancing offstage with worry I may have looked up.  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Buffy: That's it! I want a divorce!  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: Um...um...  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Giles: Uh, oh. She forgot the line.  
  
Xander: Isn't this the part that Angel always screws up on?  
  
Spike: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
Xander: Definitely. Get the video camera.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: Er...  
  
Angel: Um...eh....  
  
Faith: desperately Your wife's a bitch!  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Owen: Okay, that is definately *not* in the script.  
  
Scott: hopefully Maybe she meant 'witch'.  
  
(onstage....)  
  
Angel: grabs Faith and shakes her violently Don't you dare speak of Buffy like that!   
  
(backstage...)  
  
Willow: Well, that was *kind of* like his line.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: punching Angel in the face She's a sniveling whiner and you're just her lapdog!  
  
Angel returns the punch. Faith attempts to kick him, but is hampered by her long Puritan skirts   
  
(backstage...)  
  
Oz: Huh.   
  
Spike: Finally, a decent spot of violence!  
  
Cordelia: Better do something quick, or we'll have a full-fledged brawl on our hands.  
  
Buffy takes a cross and throws it at Colin. It lands on him, and burns him. Colin screams. Buffy then shoves Wesley on stage.   
  
(onstage...)  
  
Enter REVEREND PRICE   
  
Wesley: stumbling Wha...?  
  
SPIKE, favoring his left arm, DRUSILLA, and HARMONY LEWIS enter behind him.   
  
Harmony: loudly, while Spike seperates Faith and Angel Colin must have heard the prayers, and now can't bear to hear the Lord's name!   
  
(backstage...)  
  
Cordelia: She may be a pinhead, but she did a good job of covering.   
  
Kevin: Amazing, we're back on track with the script.  
  
Buffy: bowing Thank you, thank you.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Price: No, God forbid. Harmony, run to the doctor! Tell him what has happened here!   
  
Exit HARMONY   
  
Drusilla: Mark it for a sign, mark it!  
  
Enter REBECCA CHASE. She is the most fashionable Puritan present, with the shortest skirt.   
  
Spike: pointing at Colin, who is still trying to get the cross off of himself That is a notorious sign of witchcraft afoot, Goody Chase, a prodigious sign!  
  
Drusilla: My mother told me that! When there are a great deal of butterflies about, there will be a good harvest!  
  
all pause and look at her for a long moment.   
  
Price: clearing throat Er, that's nice. with a Shatner-like desperation Rebecca, Rebecca, go to him, we're lost! He suddenly cannot bear to hear the Lord's-  
  
Enter GILES COREY   
  
Rebecca: There is hard sickness here, Giles Corey, so please keep the quiet.  
  
Giles: I've not said a word. No one here can testify that I have said a word. Is he going to fly again? Because that would be a most notable incident to add to my books-  
  
Spike: Shut up, you pansy!  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Xander: Uh, oh.  
  
Buffy: What?  
  
Xander: Spike is starting to take liberties with the script. I just got a very bad feeling.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
REBECCA CHASE walks across the room to the bed. Grabbing the cross, she tosses it offstage. COLIN's screaming ceases, and he collapses backwards in relief.   
  
Drusilla: astonished What have you done?   
  
Rebecca: I took the cross off of him, you psycho! What did it *look* like I did?  
  
(backstage...)  
  
All: Uh, oh.  
  
(onstage....)  
  
Drusilla: Er...  
  
Spike: coughing Goody Chase, I'm sure my wife was speaking her *LINE*, and I will continue along those *LINES* and speak my own *LINE* by asking if you would come see our Edith and see if you can wake her.  
  
Rebecca: Oh. Sorry.   
  
all wait   
  
(backstage...)  
  
Buffy: Xander, I thought you were going to go over her lines with her!   
  
Xander: Well...we did....kinda. Buffy looks at him. Xander shuffles his feet nervously and blushes. We got a bit....ah....distracted.   
  
(onstage...)  
  
all are still waiting. Several people in the audience begin to cough.   
  
Rebecca: desperately Oh! Isn't that Reverend Harris at the door?   
  
(backstage...)  
  
Xander: What the HELL? I'm not due on for another two pages!  
  
Gwendolyn Post: Mr. Harris, it appears that you are going to have to make your grand entrance *NOW*. taking Xander by the collar of his shirt, she shoves him onstage.   
  
(onstage...)  
  
REVEREND HARRIS stumbles through the door. All present appear surprised.   
  
Harris: Er...um...hello...  
  
Spike: Um...hi.  
  
Price: Nice to see you.  
  
Giles: Though a bit *unexpectedly* *early*.  
  
Harris: Couldn't be helped. Now, if I had had time to collect my books, kicks REBECCA CHASE's chair inobtrusely I *would've* said that they were very heavy and asked for help carrying them.  
  
Price: And if you had remembered them, I'm sure that I would've offered to help you carry them.  
  
long pause   
  
(backstage...)  
  
Buffy: We're screwed. We are *SO* screwed.  
  
Owen: patting her on the back It's not *that* bad.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
long pause continues.   
  
Angel: breaking the silence abruptly Well, I've heard from some unreliable sources that you were a sensible man, Reverend Harris. I hope you leave some of that in Sunnydale.  
  
ANGEL PROCTOR exits.   
  
(backstage...)  
  
Owen: You're right. We're screwed.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Rebecca: Well, I'm leaving too. begins to exit, but is stopped by PRICE   
  
Price: Wait, Goody Chase. Are you sure you would not like to tell us *WHY* you are leaving now? Perhaps you go to God for all of us? he is clearly trying to prompt her.   
  
Rebecca: Of course not! This skirt itches and this hat is messing up my hair!   
  
REBECCA CHASE exits   
  
Giles: desperately trying to get them back on-scene Reverend Harris, could I ask you what signifies the visiting of strange web pages?   
  
Harris: Eh?  
  
Giles: It's my wife, Jenny. She's always using the dread machine and going onto all of these weird web pages. It disturbs me.  
  
Harris: Well, it's probably nothing, but I'll talk to you more about it later.  
  
Giles: I'm not saying that she's touched the Devil, now, but I'd like to know what websites she visits and why she won't tell me about them. She'll not answer me, you see.  
  
Harris: We'll discuss it. long pause Ummmm....  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Buffy: Cordelia, why doesn't he know his lines?  
  
Willow: You were supposed to help him study!  
  
Cordelia: Well, we kinda got distracted....and...  
  
Buffy and Willow groan   
  
(onstage...)  
  
Xander: Ummmm....  
  
Faith: suddenly bursting out I want to open myself!   
  
(backstage....)  
  
Scott: What the..? She just skipped FOUR pages!   
  
Kendra: Woo hoo! I don't have to go on again! throwing bonnet into the air in jubilation   
  
Angel: Well, that certainly saved a lot of time.  
  
(onstage...)  
  
Faith: continued I want the light of God, I want the sweet love of Jesus! I danced for the Devil; I saw him; I wrote in his book; I go back to Jesus; I kiss His hand.  
  
REVEREND PRICE, REVEREND HARRIS, GILES COREY, and the PUTNAMS stare at her in amazement   
  
Faith: continued I saw Amy Good with the Devil!  
  
(backstage...)  
  
Amy: Well, I guess that outs me.  
  
(onstage....)  
  
Faith: with a tinge of madness I saw Rob Nease with the Devil! I saw Goodman Zak with the Devil! I saw Goody Sebastian with the Devil!   
  
as she is speaking, Colin is rising from the bed, a fever in his eyes, and picks up the chant   
  
Colin: I saw Adrian Castel with the Devil! I saw Goody Gaffergirl with the Devil!  
  
Price: He speaks! he rushes to embrace Colin He speaks!  
  
Harris: Whoop-de-doo! It is broken, they are free!  
  
Colin: crying out hysterically and with great relief I saw Marti Noxen with the Devil!  
  
Faith: I saw Ty King with the Devil! it is rising to a great glee   
  
Spike: The marshall, I'll call the marshall!  
  
Colin: I saw Gaius Petronius with the Devil!  
  
the curtain begins to fall   
  
Harris: Let the marshall bring irons! My shirt is wrinkled!  
  
as the curtain continues to fall, the others all glare at the Reverend   
  
Faith: I saw Gabe with the Devil!  
  
Colin: I saw Jai L. with the Devil!   
  
Faith: I saw Joss Whedon with the Devil!  
  
the curtain falls, but not before one last comment is heard   
  
Spike: Oh, like seeing *him* with the Devil would be any big surprise!  
  
END ACT ONE  
  



End file.
